I learned in the last month that I have cancer. It’s so heavy to admit and hard to say outloud. My daughter put up a gofundme and I was so blessed to have such an outpouring of support! Thank you to everyone that donated and shared the posts. I have enough money to pay my rent and bills for the next month! I appreciate all of the well wishes and prayers, phone calls and messages, flowers, cards and necessities. I’m floored by the amount love I feel from all you. My heart is so full. Thank you for giving me the strength and willpower to fight. Now I’ll tell you the whole story. May 6, my back started to hurt. The kind of pain that you get from standing at the sink doing dishes for too long. I figured it was because we had extra pallets on the work truck plus I took all the laundry to the laundromat, start to finish and a bunch of other tasks. Always trying to be super woman. So my back was hurting and I blamed it on me doing too much, being overweight and out of shape. I started exercising and stretching and cutting back on big lunches which is a guilty pleasure of mine. After 10 days, the pain was just getting worse and interrupting my sleep. I was taking the maximum daily dose of ibuprofen and lidocaine patches and still no relief. I finally gave in and went to the doctor May 23. She moved my legs around looking for sciatica or nerve damage but ultimately found no signs of back problems. Which felt right because I had never had back problems before except for when I was pregnant. So she gave me a shot of Toradol and a prescription for steroids and muscle relaxers and Memorial Day weekend off. By that next business day the pain was much worse and had spread from my back into my sides. I went back in and they tested my urine and found I had a UTI, which is most likely the cause of all my pain. I was so relieved and crying because I really was desperate to be rid of this problem and go back to work. May 27. Prescribed painkillers and antibiotics and more time off work. May 30. The meds are binding me up so much I haven’t gone to the bathroom in 7 days! I don’t feel like any of the medicine is getting through my digestive system or helping at all because I’m still suffering. And now I have this lump in my neck, probably a swollen lymph node from the infection I’m guessing. My doctor recommends I go to immediate care. There I have a CT scan and they find multiple swollen lymph nodes all along my pelvis and abdomen. This is the root of all my pain. The doctor diagnosed me with lymphoma. I just blinked. I saw the results on MyChart before the doctor said it aloud. I was thinking I had no business reading test results. I’m just gonna wait for the doctor. But I had already googled lymphoma. Cancer? No way. OK let me just wait for her to come in and tell me. And then as she did, the words just kind of were there in the air and she was saying them and I could hear her, but I’m like yeah right. Wait what? She asked if I wanted to call someone. No! They’re all going to be so sad! My haze was shattered by the sharp dread of telling my loved ones I have cancer. My oldest daughter specifically. This was going to crush her. I was sent me home with a prescription for Percocet and a referral to oncology. It fell thru the cracks. Apparently they got the message but not my number and they were waiting for me to call them; so week goes by. June 5 follow up appointment with my doctor for the UTI. We discuss my diagnosis and how surprised she was by it. I tell her about my left arm turning red. She sends me for an ultrasound right away and they find a blood clot in my jugular vein going down my arm and I have to rush to the emergency room and be hospitalized the next 4 days on a heparin drip. Pulmonary embolism. Add it to the list. Send me home with prescriptions. $650 blood thinners. Over the next 10 days I wait for things to start moving forward. I see my oncologist and set up a biopsy and a follow up to discuss treatment. In order to get the biopsy, I have to be approved through insurance injection shot to replace the pill form of blood thinner. All the while a pain is growing in my left leg. Limping at first then full blown can’t walk on it. The only way to describe the feeling in my leg is to say it challenged me to the very edge of my capacity to handle pain. Tested my sanity and made me want to stop existing. Nothing else was or wasn’t there it was just agony. I thought this is what lymphoma felt like. I had a big swollen lymph node in my pelvis that was pressing on my nerves and seizing my hip, thigh and down under my knee cap. I would cry out and beg for it to let go! I had to force myself to relax and try to release my nerves. Wiggling around while my children looked worried and asked me if I was okay. At this point I couldn’t even focus on a conversation with any of my children. Couldn’t play pretend or even color a picture. My entire awareness and focus was positioning my body so my leg wouldn’t hurt, holding still for as long as possible and when can I safely take more pain meds. I was on the maximum dose of drugs and I could pass out for 90 minutes sometimes if I was lucky. Even tho the biopsy didn’t happen I went to the follow up appointment anyway. To beg the doctor to fix my leg somehow. I don’t know, nerve block, spinal tap, whatever; I was desperate and defeated. She says to me Christy why haven’t you gone to the emergency room? This pain is not atypical for lymphoma and you need immediate attention. Go now. She called ahead, I was admitted as soon as I got there. Two hours later I had an IV and was finally given a dose of medicine to relieve the pain enough that I could speak in sentences. They did an ultrasound on my leg which hurt like hell the whole time. CT scan which also challenged me. My leg hurt so bad I involuntarily expelled the contrast dye when they told me to hold my breath, so I had to do it twice. Trying to hold a position in pain. But I did it. Then I bawled my eyes out in front of the staff. So embarrassed to be in all this pain. Such a small victory that I was able to hold it. I did it! Thru tears and giving myself the good job I needed to hear. Saying it out loud, crying I did it! Then I just collapsed onto the rolling bed and cried. This wonderful nurse comforted me quietly and tenderly. It was so warm and sincere. I’m going to get thru this. I am strong. Nothing happens quickly in the hospital. Next up was an MRI. Loud obnoxious machine that you have to hold still thru the pain. Room full of people. By the end of another trying test I made it to a crying puddle on the rolly bed. I made sure to tell the technicians that I have a bright bubbly personality when I’m not in pain. They believe me. That was June 20. After being admitted to the hospital for the second time in a month and being put thru a band of tests I’m really ready for some answers. The scans show that the lymph nodes have doubled in the last two weeks. My oncologist is concerned because it’s the fastest she’s ever seen this grow in her career. They need to biopsy the one in my neck. I also have to get off the iv pain meds and the heparin drip before they can release me. I spent so much time figuring out how to manage the pain and waiting for answers. They did the biopsy on Monday June 23. June 26. I gather my family around and together we learn that it is not lymphoma. It has spread to the lymph nodes from an unknown organ. Their best guess is the ovaries. They sent the biopsy samples to the University of Michigan for further research but based on what they know they want to start chemo anyway. Dr says if we do nothing I have 3 months. We choose to start the treatments. 3 months. I chuckle. 3 months? That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. 3 months is September 18. 3 days after my 45 birthday. My mom was furious. She said, “How dare they put a date on my daughters life?!” We all decided that we do not accept that and we’re going to fight. And so the first treatment takes place. June 30. They do blood tests and pre medicate me accordingly. Plus something for anxiety. Than they simply bring in a bag that drips into my IV. Painless. I drift in and out of a blissful state while 4 of my besties talk with each other. I imagine that they are a talk show panel on the tv in the background. They laugh at me because I interject with gibberish about light sabers and biscuits. When it’s over I sleep. Zzzz. The worst side effect I got from the first round of chemotherapy is oral thrush. Ick. On top of having very low sodium, taking salt tablets and having a restricted fluid intake, now my mouth tastes like yesterday’s news. Like constant cotton mouth. Lips sticking to my teeth, no saliva, dry like the desert. Then add little flakes or bits of coconut or chewed up nuts all around and under the tongue between the cheeks and gums. Oh, you can’t swish and spit them out because they’re not even really there. Grrr Fortunately, there is some medicine that has helped tame that back for now. Not looking forward to its return on the next round. July 1 the results are back from the University of Michigan. The cancer started in my ovaries and spread to my lymph nodes. The blood clot in my leg is still severe and my next goal is to get mobile. I’m way too cool to need help getting to the bathroom. Right now I have extreme difficulty getting up from a seated position, adjusting my body to sleep comfortably and breathing. July 13 I’ve just been admitted to the hospital again. Yeah brought here in an ambulance because I couldn’t breathe. The cancer has spread into my lungs. It’s very aggressive. The doctor is saying that there isn’t much they can do medically other than chemo and make me comfortable. At this point I need all the love and prayers I can get. I’m struggling to function. My family is watching me helplessly and I’m honestly terrified. Pray for us